Monday, January 30, 2012

This is how I feel most days. 

I run an awesome race and seconds before I can take a deep breath, I trip and slam my face into a hard surface. Face, brain...all the same.

I like to think I am God's personal joke. He's up there in the big wherever pointing at me, talking to Bill  and Jessica, saying something like "hey, watch this...wait for it....wait. for. it. HAHAHA!! Got her again!" 

I mention those names, people you wouldn't know, because they were significant members of a very dear group I am a part of, or was a part of. You see, I got sober at the age of 15. Most of you do not know this about me. I got sober, escaped an incredibly abusive father, barely with my life intact, ran away to my grandmother's (who, truthfully didn't really want me. Loved me, but she had enough in her own fucked up life aside from caring for me) Back in the city, I enrolled in school, went to meetings, hung out with my friend Jenny, my BF Wayne and tried to go on as normal....but nothing about my life in those 15 years had been normal. Nothing at all.
Fast forwarding a 16.5 yrs old, I left my grandmother's, moved back to the burbs and in with a lady from AA. Jessica. She loved me. She brought me into her family, no money, no clothes, no job, uneducated. She loved me. She helped me find an amazing sponsor, hooked me up with amazing women in AA who gathered around and protected me like a grizzly protects their cub.

The following December, my baby sister was hit by a truck on Friday the 13th and Monday, the 16th Jessica was diagnosed with stage 4 nonhodgkins lymphoma.

My sister lived, sans her short term memory...sometimes her long term as well. Jessica died 19 months later.

From that moment forward, I think my loss factor had just quadrupled. I stayed sober for some time. I finally drank on my 21st birthday, 17 days before my 6 yr anniversary of sobriety. 
I never looked back. 
I have drank nearly every day since with the exception of my time in rehab about 7 years ago and the last 30 days. If I make it, I'll have been sober 30 solid days on Feb. 8th.
I'm not going to go into all the amazing ways I have fucked up to get to these 30 days...some of you know, some know half truths, some full truths, maybe one of you, Kelly, knows it all.

I have wanted to thank a couple of people for my being here today. For, without you, your love and understanding, charming ways, wit and unknowingly supporting me have altered my life. I cannot include my kids in this list, although they have suffered the most, and supported me the most on this's just too painful and needs to be another time, in another story.
Kelly, my biggest supporter, friend, angel and kindred spirit. Your non-judgemental, unconditional ways are how I hope to be when I grow up.
Sue W. you have loved me, seen me through, and despite my difficulties, you haven't walked away. 
David A. this morning you said, I was worth your time....I needed that and I believed you.
Bonnie K. I just know I can say anything...and you'll get it.
Lois...see above, this applies to you as well.
Heather. 20 years....thank you.
Katy....It's because reading your blog, wanting what you have so badly, and knowing I could get it if I just followed your ways, in a non stalker way, that's how you unknowingly saved me.

So, folks....I am raw, terrified, and cannot find meetings I like. I keep going but have yet to feel that click, that connection...if your a member, you know what I'm talking about.

thanks for taking your time and getting to know the "real" me.....

PS...Bill C is my old sponsor's husband.  Bill also passed away. He is mentioned because losing him changed the course of many ppl's lives....thats also for another day.

Monday, January 23, 2012

My Ex....

Despite the title, this is not a 'bag on the ex' session. This is the story, the quickie version of where we are at today.

We met as kids, got married, had kids, built a home far from family, made bad choices, ignored each other, slept apart, stopped having sex, went to therapy, left therapy, hated each other, I had an affair, he had his affair with everything but another woman....I drank, he drank, we struggled, we hated, we were awful.

17months ago, I moved out. I took my kids, packed up in front of him, and walked out. Got an attorney and filed for divorce. Being the stubborn ass that I am, I was hell bent on making it on my own.

We fought more, I stopped dating, he started. We screamed, hated, cried, made our kids miserable....and one day, last january, my landlord died.
 Landlord was deep in debt. His wife took over as did the bank on the property I was living in. I searched and searched with ZERO luck in finding a place to live without breaking our custody agreement and losing my kids to the ex.

With 3 days until I had to be out, no place to live, almost no money, EX called me. He said..."Sam, you and the girls are going to move back in here. We will agree on rent, and we will make it work."

I can sit here and question Ex's motives until the day I die. I like to think he did it for the rent, cuz, well, I'm a spiteful bitch. But I believe he did it because deep inside, he loves us. We TALK now. We listen now. We laugh. We smile. We are kind. We are co-parenting. Our girls are happy. His one selfless act brought together what never should work....

I'm not saying everyone can do this....but it's working for us. Both of us are clear we are not good as a couple. I'm just so grateful we can be friends.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Sooooo.....I'd like to begin this random idea for a blog by thanking a couple people. First off, Bonnie, You're fucking awesome.
Second, Katy, you are one CLASSY fucking act.

I wasn't sure where to begin, I'd thought about my kids, my ex, my jobless life, my family....ultimately decided to begin with random fucking idiots.

 Yes, we all know who they are, where they reside/'s a growing motherfucking epidemic to be an idiot. It's a black plague with no outwardly unusual symptoms, so it's shocking when one slams a door in your face or some jack fuck is staring at your 13yr old daughter like the next piece of beef he'd like to maul. For example, the shit brick who found it necessary to let me know today is a school day and my kid should be in school. FUCK YOU dork. Or, the bank teller who, and I almost punched the bitch, actually asked me if "it's cold out there today?" Bitch, it's fucking snowing in the WINDY city!  My personal fave on this day, so far, is my ex waking up at 11am and asking me if I shoveled yet today. (btw, I've got 3 fractured ribs from an accident in October) These folks come out at all times of day or night....unafraid, unaware and blinded by their need to be the center of all existence.

The next asswipe who acts like a fucking retard in my presence I'm gonna get all Drita on their ass and fuck a dude up.....