Monday, July 22, 2013

"The safety of hopeless. Now that's irony."

This was my post to a group of  friends last night... 'I went. It was VERY STRAINED AND AWKWARD. 
I sat there, making small talk, refusing to be the one to force a conversation about the real stuff. 
Here's the's why my heart hurts. 
He gave me hope I hadn't had in YEARS. It was just a glimmer and it was amazing and then just ripped that away with no communication.

Yes the celibacy, but good LORD, be an adult. People make out and it wasn't going further because I would not have let it go any further. Sitting there I realized that I could have loved him and that just makes this hurt all the more. 
I also realized I NEVER want that kind of hope again. I know how that sounds but its true. I realized its much better here in my cocoon with a select few who I know will not hurt me.
The safety of hopeless. Now that's irony.'

This came about because of a single date. A date with a person I did not like "that way" but thought I should just go. It's been YEARS since your heart and soul were sent through the shredder and you lost all hope in life and almost drank yourself to death. Just go. 

Turns out, this person who we will call TJ, had a great deal more to him than originally expected. TJ is extremely religious and studying to be a minister which means he is celibate and has strong, beautiful faith in God and I SO admire that in people.  He is a recovering addict.  He has been hurt and climbed out of that hole. He has been through THAT kind of hell that we addicts go through but HE CLIMBS THAT FUCKING MOUNTAIN and DAMMIT, that is sexy and intense and admirable as all get out. He is covered in tattoos and at first glance looks like an angry, but very good looking man.  His current situations don't phase me as I have learned to see the person, understand their past sometimes collides with today and has no bearing on who they currently are. 

We went to dinner. Neither of us could shut up..we talked and talked and talked. We laughed and laughed and laughed. There were long moments of staring longer into each other's eyes than was thought possible between 2 people. We drove to where I run and we walked..and talked and laughed and I understood him. He was not preachy about God at all like I expected, he was simply telling me his story, made a point of saying "this is what I believe" and I get that as I come from the same place.  AND HE "got me", too.

We drove to our town's downtown where I was shocked as he started up a conversation with 2 homeless men as if they were his long lost friends. It was with such ease and grace and I thought God help me because I am going to fall in love and I don't want to get hurt.  

 We sat on the curb and he asked me if I would be willing to attend church with him once in a while as it's important to him. I said yes. "good, because I really like you"....TJ asked me on a second date, I agreed.

I drove him home. We made out in the car like teenagers(over clothes only). We smiled a lot and said goodnight. 

The next day at work, because yes, we work together, he came into my department as he usually did making up some excuse to see me and we looked at each other like the night before and smiled. 

Then...NOTHING. No texts. No facebook messages. No eye contact at work. No more visits to my department.
I messaged, completely confused and asking what is going on? 2 weeks goes by. I get the following text: "it's not that I don't want to date you, because I do. I clearly cannot control myself with you(the make-out session). I have to stick with the path that God has planned for me and in order to accomplish that I cannot date anyone" 

There is no arguing that. Not that I would have begged for anything but you get me...
and then, I met up with him. You read the message to my friends...

...and you are now caught up.

I do not need to hear "hang in there!" or "I met so and so right when I started to give up!" 
I simply just do not care. Do I think about holding hands with a man again? Of course I do. But I do not need it. I refuse to NEED that. 

That kind of hope, that kind of game isn't for me. The beauty in who I am is knowing that I am NOT who I once was and I KNOW that any man who is lucky enough to land me will love me completely because of that. I am worth getting to know and worthy of being loved completely. 

TJ asked me what I wanted out of a relationship on our "great date" and I told him I'd not thought that hard about it but I would let him know..which never happened because, read above again. NOW, now I have the answers. (not in any order)

1. Communication
2. Effort
3. Kindness
4. Laughter and lots of it
5. God
6. Faith
7. Friendship
8.  Patience
9. Honesty
10. Understanding

I will continue to pray for TJ..not that we start dating or anything like that, (not because I don't want to date him again, I just don't pray that way) but I WANT great things for him. He is worthy of a wonderful life and despite his best efforts to hide his internal turmoil, I see right through that bullshit. I also JUST got the fact that this is deeper for him, too. Perhaps it is a God filled journey or perhaps he is hiding in that quest.  No matter, it is his journey to figure it out. 

The safety in hopeless, the expectation at zero, the concrete reinforced steel walls... I like it here.  

*****Disclaimer*****  I do NOT need relationship advice so please do not give it. I also do not know why the font is screwy***