One rejection at a time -

Went on another date. This one was a little different as I have "known" this person a while. 

This man is a smart, successful, good looking, very (emotionally) unavailable, very honest man.  I appreciate that. Did it sting like a fucker to be rejected whether his issues or not? Of course it does. But. I don't blame him as he is a terrific guy and he will find joy someday, he deserves that. I believe we will remain friends, as there is no reason not to. 

Each one of the men I have gone out with has a piece of what I want from a man - Smart, successful, funny, kind, sober, eat healthy, run, workout, loving to their children, thoughtful, stable, mentally well, each a piece,  but not the entire puzzle. Don't get me wrong, not all of the boxes have to be checked, I am pretty open but I cannot settle for a life full of death again.

I grow from these dates - I grow in what I know about myself and others. I learn from these dates - I learn what I do and do not want from a partner. I've realized I like myself and if someone doesn't like all of me, I am not their finished puzzle but simply a piece to the finished product. I am ok with that. I have made new friends. I have changed things I've seen that I don't like in myself and am slowly coming out of my shell. 

Does my heart ache to be loved? Yes. Am I desperate? No. Will I settle? Absolutely not. I am worth getting exactly what I want. We all are.

Does my hope fade from time to time..of course.  Do I get sad and cry on occasion? Yes.

 I am lonely. I want to be held and touched and talked to and heard and get a kind message or text...I am human. 

But I cannot settle. I have a great deal on the line this time around. 

 I am a terrific person full of love and understanding and compassion. I am funny and loving and smart and capable and anyone would be lucky to have me.

I believe someone is out there for me. My someone and I will meet up when the time is right and all the pieces are in place. Until that time, I will keep moving forward, I will keep dating and running and working on myself.
Above all else I will remain hopeful...walking through the rejections and fear and feeling the feelings. 

"The safety of hopeless. Now that's irony."

This was my post to a group of  friends last night... 'I went. It was VERY STRAINED AND AWKWARD. 
I sat there, making small talk, refusing to be the one to force a conversation about the real stuff. 
Here's the thing...here's why my heart hurts. 
He gave me hope I hadn't had in YEARS. It was just a glimmer and it was amazing and then just ripped that away with no communication.
Yes the celibacy, but good LORD, be an adult. People make out and it wasn't going further because I would not have let it go any further. Sitting there I realized that I could have loved him and that just makes this hurt all the more. 
I also realized I NEVER want that kind of hope again. I know how that sounds but its true. I realized its much better here in my cocoon with a select few who I know will not hurt me.
The safety of hopeless. Now that's irony.'

This came about because of a single date. A date with a person I did not like "that way" but thought I should just go. It's been YEARS since your heart and soul were sent through the shredder and you lost all hope in life and almost drank yourself to death. Just go. 

Turns out, this person who we will call TJ, had a great deal more to him than originally expected. TJ is extremely religious and studying to be a minister which means he is celibate and has strong, beautiful faith in God and I SO admire that in people.  He is a recovering addict.  He has been hurt and climbed out of that hole. He has been through THAT kind of hell that we addicts go through but HE CLIMBS THAT FUCKING MOUNTAIN and DAMMIT, that is sexy and intense and admirable as all get out. He is covered in tattoos and at first glance looks like an angry, but very good looking man.  His current situations don't phase me as I have learned to see the person, understand their past sometimes collides with today and has no bearing on who they currently are. 

We went to dinner. Neither of us could shut up..we talked and talked and talked. We laughed and laughed and laughed. There were long moments of staring longer into each other's eyes than was thought possible between 2 people. We drove to where I run and we walked..and talked and laughed and I understood him. He was not preachy about God at all like I expected, he was simply telling me his story, made a point of saying "this is what I believe" and I get that as I come from the same place.  AND HE "got me", too.

We drove to our town's downtown where I was shocked as he started up a conversation with 2 homeless men as if they were his long lost friends. It was with such ease and grace and I thought God help me because I am going to fall in love and I don't want to get hurt.  

 We sat on the curb and he asked me if I would be willing to attend church with him once in a while as it's important to him. I said yes. "good, because I really like you"....TJ asked me on a second date, I agreed.

I drove him home. We made out in the car like teenagers(over clothes only). We smiled a lot and said goodnight. 

The next day at work, because yes, we work together, he came into my department as he usually did making up some excuse to see me and we looked at each other like the night before and smiled. 

Then...NOTHING. No texts. No facebook messages. No eye contact at work. No more visits to my department.

I messaged, completely confused and asking what is going on? 2 weeks goes by. I get the following text: "it's not that I don't want to date you, because I do. I clearly cannot control myself with you(the make-out session). I have to stick with the path that God has planned for me and in order to accomplish that I cannot date anyone" 

There is no arguing that. Not that I would have begged for anything but you get me...

and then, I met up with him. You read the message to my friends...

...and you are now caught up.

I do not need to hear "hang in there!" or "I met so and so right when I started to give up!" 

I simply just do not care. Do I think about holding hands with a man again? Of course I do. But I do not need it. I refuse to NEED that. 

That kind of hope, that kind of game isn't for me. The beauty in who I am is knowing that I am NOT who I once was and I KNOW that any man who is lucky enough to land me will love me completely because of that. I am worth getting to know and worthy of being loved completely. 

TJ asked me what I wanted out of a relationship on our "great date" and I told him I'd not thought that hard about it but I would let him know..which never happened because, read above again. NOW, now I have the answers. (not in any order)

1. Communication

2. Effort

3. Kindness

4. Laughter and lots of it

5. God

6. Faith

7. Friendship

8.  Patience

9. Honesty

10. Understanding

I will continue to pray for TJ..not that we start dating or anything like that, (not because I don't want to date him again, I just don't pray that way) but I WANT great things for him. He is worthy of a wonderful life and despite his best efforts to hide his internal turmoil, I see right through that bullshit. I also JUST got the fact that this is deeper for him, too. Perhaps it is a God filled journey or perhaps he is hiding in that quest.  No matter, it is his journey to figure it out. 

The safety in hopeless, the expectation at zero, the concrete reinforced steel walls... I like it here.  

*****Disclaimer*****  I do NOT need relationship advice so please do not give it. I also do not know why the font is screwy***

Beginnings

My life story is riddled with abuse and alcoholism, very few happy memories and a few near death experiences at the hands of my bio father.
I lied a lot as a kid. If you grew up like I did, you understand this, you understand why. To tell your friends that you smell because your parent WOULDN'T buy soap or your hair is a mess because you'd been beaten with the brush until it broke just wasn't a reality kids wanted to deal with. I faced it all head on and had the spirit of coming out alive and I did.
I had MANY angels guiding me along these roads. I miss them as those early on angels are all gone from my life in one way or another but I have been blessed with new ones to guide me. I believed in angels as I do today....I went to Catholic church/school as a girl and I would pray so damn hard that God would help me. (I was 7-8 at this time)Sister Alberta, who lived at the school with the other nuns in the rectory/nunnery would invite me to come up and she would tell me stories of her abusive father and how she found hope in the church. She lit candles for me and prayed for me and I loved her. I loved the church. those were my first angels.
In years to come, I would suffer a great deal. A GREAT DEAL. Always holding steadfast to my faith although I stopped attending church. After time and being shuffled around I landed at my bio father's. If I had thought life was rough before, I was abut to realize the reality of hell. I was 9 yrs old. I was NINE yrs old the first time I remember him hurting me. I was isolated and he preyed on me like a good sociopath/pedophile would. I was alone. ......I'm not going into the shame and horrific details of what happened, you can imagine.

Fast forward 6 yrs and I finally had my chance to run and I did. I was 15 and had managed to tell just enough but not too much so I could get away but he wouldn't kill me. He had guns and never hesitated using them to restrain me and I believed he would kill me. I KNEW he would kill me if I told it all.... but I got away. Living with my grandmother, his mother, was at the time my only option. She was always good to me and we had a close bond but she was old and tired and had no real way of knowing how to raise me.
I laugh when my daughter jokes about how she has to "parent herself" when she gets a cookie... it's cute and we all know it's not true. My reality was I was parenting myself and had to use all the lessons taught by my angels. Even at this young age, I knew to take the good and leave the rest. Wise beyond my years....

Just after my 16th birthday, he started calling and wanting to see me, manipulating my grandmother and forcing me into a visit. Instead of going though, I left. I left my home and family with a pack of smokes, the clothes on my back and $3. It was 10pm when I got brave. 10pm on a Wednesday in late May when I walked away from HELL and made the call to my next angel, Jessica.
I would go and live with Jessica, her 2 boys and husband where I would start a new life and recreate myself.

I was never able to finish high school. I had to leave that behind when I saved myself. When I was able to enroll in GED classes, Jessica, my sweet angel became ill with cancer. I helped her and her boys and school got left behind, my choice, I wasn't asked to leave school. When she died, it crushed me. I started working full time and met my now ex husband. I got pregnant and pregnant again and I left school behind. Always putting the needs of others ahead of my own. I started drinking more and more and thus began my decent into alcoholism for the 2nd time in my life, again, forgetting about school.

Going through my divorce, I was working as a CNA/PCT at a hospital in the psych dept. I thought I had it all.... until I didn't. So, today I find myself with no high school diploma/GED, a lapsed CNA, no career, and virtually homeless but sober.

I made a decision to start into motion my going back to school. Not just the pipe dream of a nursing degree but to begin where I had left off. To begin with my GED. To put myself and my girls first.

This life, it's not an easy one. I have been punched down to the ground and got back up and I have royally fucked up a great deal  having many repairs and mending to do but I refuse to let my daughters see only the dark side. I want them to know and see and WITNESS how you can literally be near dead in a gutter to completely change everything....even at 39.

I remain steadfast to live a positive and good life. I refuse to waste more time with bullshit. I did not survive this far for nothing. This life that I have been given and the chances I do not deserve, have purpose. WE all have a purpose.

 

A Rant....

When I go "trolling", not necessarily to be a douche bag but no better word for it, to check out other pages, it is usually late or early morning and I am tired and get pissy.
Most times, they are decent pages, looking for numbers and some sort of pat on the back....
Not all pages are like that. We are NOT all self serving narcissistic fuckers looking to brand some shit on the stupidity of others...nor are most of us riding the coat tails of others. Some of us worked hard for our numbers and we are liked because we are fucking funny, witty and sincere.
SO....I cannot stand when I come across some fucking jack hammers page and he is a fucking tool, slippery dicked motherfucker and I read his/her posts and A. they make NO SENSE and B...MY FUCKING friends, likes on my page, folks I know, swoon like they are in heat.
How on EARTH...How can you not spot a fucking douche?!?!?

Here are some hints:

1. ALWAYS telling you how great they are and how they saved the day.
B) Make sure YOU know how humble and amazing they are.
next....
They always have "fans" that have kids so their "kid" posts seem realistic...but what fucking 8 yr old knows and tells her dad she wants a thong and belly ring?

WAKE FUCKING UP.

End Rant..........................

Questions...

Writing this blog today comes with a myriad of emotion....ANGER being number one. What I have learned through AA is that under that ANGER, that I cling to like a rabid dog, is FEAR.

I am a good mother. I have regrets, of course, after all, I am a mother. We live for these kids, don't we? We laugh and cry...our hearts break for them and our hearts live for them. They are 50% of everything we are. When my daughters laugh, there is NO better feeling on this earth, no greater sound I have heard.
 I am a strict mother. There are rules and you WILL follow them. Your best friend doesn't have to take the trash out? too bad for her. Too bad she will never learn the importance of that task in her life....you WILL. I am a firm believer that kids live up to our expectations of them and if we are calling them names and treating them like assholes, they will give us what we expected. <I say that KNOWING kids will be assholes regardless. They are kids and human and have bad days....I am hoping you are following me here.>
I am NOT friends with my kids. Friendship comes after lessons. Years of learning and lessons. We have fun...pj day, movie night, board games, cake for dinner, running, sprinklers, waking up at midnight to play in the snow.....
I have bathed them, held them, cried with them, screamed with them, read with them, fed them, rushed them to the ER, kissed boo boos, laughed and laughed with these girls of mine. We have come back from bad, made it through stresses and I pray they are learning good from me. I say all of this because I know you are the same kind of parent. I write this because this CAN happen to ANYONE.

So I will begin with a question....If you were to pick up your child's iPod, cell phone/smart phone, computer, notebook, iPad...lifted up their mattress and go through their drawers, What would you find? Do you know? Do you know where to look, the nooks and crannies of a kids mind?

Do you know that they can skype, facetime, eamil, tumblr, Text+, KIK, facebook, message, instagram, all without your permission? They can hide that shit....they can create profiles and send out pics and have it all to be seen by the public. BY ANYONE.

They can do it all without you knowing. All for free.

Do you know the passwords to all of your kids shit? From iPods to smart phones to facebook? Do you know all of their usernames? DO YOU CHECK?  Do you SURPRISE check? Do you go through drawers and under mattresses?
Are you laughing and running around with your innocent child/teen just to discover, hours later, everything she/he has said is a fucking lie? That when you checked shit out, you were not going deep enough, far enough to find the hidden truths?
Did you know that in Illinois, sending out underaged nude pics is child porn? The sender and receiver can spend the rest of their lives registered as a sexual predator. Let that soak in a sec. 12,13,16,18,24,38,45....a life sentence, really.
Did you know if your kid downloads that shit onto YOUR computer and you do not know, for some reason your computer is searched and it is found, YOU are now the one with kiddie porn?

Have you Googled your kids name? Have you surprised searched every single place possible? Is your answer NO because they are honor students? Never been in trouble, Polite, kind, funny, good citizen/sibling/person?  They have never given you a reason to check?.........

CHECK. Go NOW. Go search through their shit. Go get those passwords, usernames....they play moshi monsters? Oh, they "know" johnny? Guess again....
I recently had to call my daughter's bestie's mother to inform her that her daughter, who "does not have access to those sorts of things like facebook" was talking to "someone" she met via Moshi Monsters. On the phone. For some strange reason, he did not want to facetime or skype with her, just to talk. How FUCKING terrifying.
She is a good kid. An honor student. Polite. Her mom is a teacher. Good family.
I will avoid the horrors of what may have been, what could have been, and the fact that the "boy" vanished after a call from her mom.
These girls can be blackmailed if sending out photos. Racy photos. Blackmailed by peers. Blackmailed into doing things so nobody tells their parents, manipulated and FEARED into doing things they would NOT normally do. Oh, your kid would come to you if being threatened or manipulated or was scared...Your kid knows what a bad guy is and what to do, what to look for. Your kid isn't "stupid" or "knows better"? Your kid has been "raised right" and can be trusted. Your daughter has high self esteem and feels too good about herself for that nonsense? You keep your kids so busy they have to stay out of trouble. We monitor everything and have parental controls.....

So. Did. I.

Why I don't talk about it....

I have been questioned quite a bit lately as to why I do not blog more or talk more about my drinking days and how and what happened to get me here to sobriety.
I understand curiosity. I ask a zillion questions, and not because I am rude, it's because I am teachable. I need to see how others have done A,B,C....no matter what abc are. make sense? I understand the need and desire to hear other people's stories.
The thing is, it's all too raw yet. Too real. Too painful to share. Every time I sit back and think "ok, I can do this today, I can write about what happened when I passed out on the kitchen floor in front of my 2 and 3 yr olds" but the breakdown that happens...I cannot let the thoughts continue. I end up in a very very bad place.
So, slowly, if you stick with me on this journey, I will be writing more, as it gets easier and easier to feel the pain involved with sobriety. The incredible damage I did to my precious girls.....

Do you laugh at funerals?

I know, I know, it's rather cliche to say I laugh at funerals....but I do. I also say the WORST things EVER. I mean, I laugh until my belly shakes, tears are pouring down my face and I LOOK like I am fucking freaking out from grief. If you ever question my honesty on this one....ask my sister. We have to talk ourselves into NOT laughing. FYI...that makes it worse. 

At my Uncle Jim's funeral when I was 9, I laughed first when I was told this young man had died. He was 38, an alcoholic, and believed not only that he was Jesus but that Barry Manilow was his brother. True story. The bowling alley where he hung in the city STILL talks about him 30 yrs later. My uncle was nuts and I cherished him. He was a bad ass as well. He won awards in body building in Chicago....He was good to me.
I remember what I wore to that service and I remember laughing so damn hard that I was removed from the service. My fucked up family thought I was as nuts as he was..........

My "cousin" Cody committed suicide. He had a fucked up life, became an addict, blew his brains out. I was at the service talking to his girlfriend when I blurted out "I just wanted to blow my brains out" which made me LAUGH so fucking hard......I know, I know.

When my grandmother passed away, I was heartbroken. I knew nothing in this family would ever be the same. I missed her before the words came out of my ex's mouth that she had passed. She was the best kind of crazy and funny and gorgeous. She was not the hugs n kisses kind of lady, rather bad ass really but you knew you were loved. On the drive to her funeral I had my mom and sister with me. Driving with my mother is about as much fun as driving blindfold in the rain, but as soon as we got to Michigan, mom buzzed, it was game ON. From the priest to my mother to my sister.....I laughed hard. The one second I cried here was when my brother who was raised by her, broke down in choking sobs. I never, ever wanted to end someones pain as badly as I did that minute. 

My grandfather passed shortly after....He had Alzheimer's. My granfather was a drunk for years, quit and stayed sober for a long fucking time. He was mean and kind and once convinced us kids he was going to murder santa....he even had the gun. Funny ass fucker, right? (seriously, I think so)
When he died, it was the end of the end. My family had officially split apart. I knew my grandpa was NOT happy about a catholic burial but what made this HYSTERICAL was the fucking priest didn't know his name. He kept referring to Emanuel, his name is Samuel. I laughed so hard i had to get up and leave....some thought I was weeping and fucked up. truth is, I was glad he didn't suffer anymore and I knew he was pissed as shit this guy could not get his name right.

My BIL's dad was murdered in Chicago. He was a security guard and got detailed to a white castle. He was murdered by a schizophrenic man. NOT FUNNY. this is awful....My sister talked me through not opening my mouth for any reason....but I did. I said to T's mom "It's SOOOOOOO nice to FINALLY meet you!!!!!" K just looked at me, shaking her head. 

My father in law passed away in 2010. I even cared for him in the hospital for a couple weeks. I was sad and loved him. At his funeral, he was a fireman, when they started with the bagpipes and speeches....I almost threw up from laughter. The speeches, drunk fireman, crazy family, it was INSANE.....My sister, sitting next to me had tears streaming down her face. Now, I know that was because she was laughing with me, most people thought we were hysterical. How can one NOT laugh when one speech entails how John left his first wife and "snuck off with poopsie".....I am telling you guys, That's in my top 5 best funerals. EVER.

It could be my discomfort with death, awkward situations, not knowing what to say and feeling the need to say ANYTHING...but if there is a funeral, guaranteed I'll be the one laughing and saying stupid shit.

It's not a lack of love or compassion....it's a sense of relief to get any emotion out.

Disclaimer* No, Alzheimer's, suicide, death is not funny. If you think that's what I am saying, move along.