One rejection at a time -

Went on another date. This one was a little different as I have "known" this person a while. 

This man is a smart, successful, good looking, very (emotionally) unavailable, very honest man.  I appreciate that. Did it sting like a fucker to be rejected whether his issues or not? Of course it does. But. I don't blame him as he is a terrific guy and he will find joy someday, he deserves that. I believe we will remain friends, as there is no reason not to. 

Each one of the men I have gone out with has a piece of what I want from a man - Smart, successful, funny, kind, sober, eat healthy, run, workout, loving to their children, thoughtful, stable, mentally well, each a piece,  but not the entire puzzle. Don't get me wrong, not all of the boxes have to be checked, I am pretty open but I cannot settle for a life full of death again.

I grow from these dates - I grow in what I know about myself and others. I learn from these dates - I learn what I do and do not want from a partner. I've realized I like myself and if someone doesn't like all of me, I am not their finished puzzle but simply a piece to the finished product. I am ok with that. I have made new friends. I have changed things I've seen that I don't like in myself and am slowly coming out of my shell. 

Does my heart ache to be loved? Yes. Am I desperate? No. Will I settle? Absolutely not. I am worth getting exactly what I want. We all are.

Does my hope fade from time to time..of course.  Do I get sad and cry on occasion? Yes.

 I am lonely. I want to be held and touched and talked to and heard and get a kind message or text...I am human. 

But I cannot settle. I have a great deal on the line this time around. 

 I am a terrific person full of love and understanding and compassion. I am funny and loving and smart and capable and anyone would be lucky to have me.

I believe someone is out there for me. My someone and I will meet up when the time is right and all the pieces are in place. Until that time, I will keep moving forward, I will keep dating and running and working on myself.
Above all else I will remain hopeful...walking through the rejections and fear and feeling the feelings. 

"The safety of hopeless. Now that's irony."

This was my post to a group of  friends last night... 'I went. It was VERY STRAINED AND AWKWARD. 
I sat there, making small talk, refusing to be the one to force a conversation about the real stuff. 
Here's the thing...here's why my heart hurts. 
He gave me hope I hadn't had in YEARS. It was just a glimmer and it was amazing and then just ripped that away with no communication.
Yes the celibacy, but good LORD, be an adult. People make out and it wasn't going further because I would not have let it go any further. Sitting there I realized that I could have loved him and that just makes this hurt all the more. 
I also realized I NEVER want that kind of hope again. I know how that sounds but its true. I realized its much better here in my cocoon with a select few who I know will not hurt me.
The safety of hopeless. Now that's irony.'

This came about because of a single date. A date with a person I did not like "that way" but thought I should just go. It's been YEARS since your heart and soul were sent through the shredder and you lost all hope in life and almost drank yourself to death. Just go. 

Turns out, this person who we will call TJ, had a great deal more to him than originally expected. TJ is extremely religious and studying to be a minister which means he is celibate and has strong, beautiful faith in God and I SO admire that in people.  He is a recovering addict.  He has been hurt and climbed out of that hole. He has been through THAT kind of hell that we addicts go through but HE CLIMBS THAT FUCKING MOUNTAIN and DAMMIT, that is sexy and intense and admirable as all get out. He is covered in tattoos and at first glance looks like an angry, but very good looking man.  His current situations don't phase me as I have learned to see the person, understand their past sometimes collides with today and has no bearing on who they currently are. 

We went to dinner. Neither of us could shut up..we talked and talked and talked. We laughed and laughed and laughed. There were long moments of staring longer into each other's eyes than was thought possible between 2 people. We drove to where I run and we walked..and talked and laughed and I understood him. He was not preachy about God at all like I expected, he was simply telling me his story, made a point of saying "this is what I believe" and I get that as I come from the same place.  AND HE "got me", too.

We drove to our town's downtown where I was shocked as he started up a conversation with 2 homeless men as if they were his long lost friends. It was with such ease and grace and I thought God help me because I am going to fall in love and I don't want to get hurt.  

 We sat on the curb and he asked me if I would be willing to attend church with him once in a while as it's important to him. I said yes. "good, because I really like you"....TJ asked me on a second date, I agreed.

I drove him home. We made out in the car like teenagers(over clothes only). We smiled a lot and said goodnight. 

The next day at work, because yes, we work together, he came into my department as he usually did making up some excuse to see me and we looked at each other like the night before and smiled. 

Then...NOTHING. No texts. No facebook messages. No eye contact at work. No more visits to my department.

I messaged, completely confused and asking what is going on? 2 weeks goes by. I get the following text: "it's not that I don't want to date you, because I do. I clearly cannot control myself with you(the make-out session). I have to stick with the path that God has planned for me and in order to accomplish that I cannot date anyone" 

There is no arguing that. Not that I would have begged for anything but you get me...

and then, I met up with him. You read the message to my friends...

...and you are now caught up.

I do not need to hear "hang in there!" or "I met so and so right when I started to give up!" 

I simply just do not care. Do I think about holding hands with a man again? Of course I do. But I do not need it. I refuse to NEED that. 

That kind of hope, that kind of game isn't for me. The beauty in who I am is knowing that I am NOT who I once was and I KNOW that any man who is lucky enough to land me will love me completely because of that. I am worth getting to know and worthy of being loved completely. 

TJ asked me what I wanted out of a relationship on our "great date" and I told him I'd not thought that hard about it but I would let him know..which never happened because, read above again. NOW, now I have the answers. (not in any order)

1. Communication

2. Effort

3. Kindness

4. Laughter and lots of it

5. God

6. Faith

7. Friendship

8.  Patience

9. Honesty

10. Understanding

I will continue to pray for TJ..not that we start dating or anything like that, (not because I don't want to date him again, I just don't pray that way) but I WANT great things for him. He is worthy of a wonderful life and despite his best efforts to hide his internal turmoil, I see right through that bullshit. I also JUST got the fact that this is deeper for him, too. Perhaps it is a God filled journey or perhaps he is hiding in that quest.  No matter, it is his journey to figure it out. 

The safety in hopeless, the expectation at zero, the concrete reinforced steel walls... I like it here.  

*****Disclaimer*****  I do NOT need relationship advice so please do not give it. I also do not know why the font is screwy***

Beginnings

My life story is riddled with abuse and alcoholism, very few happy memories and a few near death experiences at the hands of my bio father.
I lied a lot as a kid. If you grew up like I did, you understand this, you understand why. To tell your friends that you smell because your parent WOULDN'T buy soap or your hair is a mess because you'd been beaten with the brush until it broke just wasn't a reality kids wanted to deal with. I faced it all head on and had the spirit of coming out alive and I did.
I had MANY angels guiding me along these roads. I miss them as those early on angels are all gone from my life in one way or another but I have been blessed with new ones to guide me. I believed in angels as I do today....I went to Catholic church/school as a girl and I would pray so damn hard that God would help me. (I was 7-8 at this time)Sister Alberta, who lived at the school with the other nuns in the rectory/nunnery would invite me to come up and she would tell me stories of her abusive father and how she found hope in the church. She lit candles for me and prayed for me and I loved her. I loved the church. those were my first angels.
In years to come, I would suffer a great deal. A GREAT DEAL. Always holding steadfast to my faith although I stopped attending church. After time and being shuffled around I landed at my bio father's. If I had thought life was rough before, I was abut to realize the reality of hell. I was 9 yrs old. I was NINE yrs old the first time I remember him hurting me. I was isolated and he preyed on me like a good sociopath/pedophile would. I was alone. ......I'm not going into the shame and horrific details of what happened, you can imagine.

Fast forward 6 yrs and I finally had my chance to run and I did. I was 15 and had managed to tell just enough but not too much so I could get away but he wouldn't kill me. He had guns and never hesitated using them to restrain me and I believed he would kill me. I KNEW he would kill me if I told it all.... but I got away. Living with my grandmother, his mother, was at the time my only option. She was always good to me and we had a close bond but she was old and tired and had no real way of knowing how to raise me.
I laugh when my daughter jokes about how she has to "parent herself" when she gets a cookie... it's cute and we all know it's not true. My reality was I was parenting myself and had to use all the lessons taught by my angels. Even at this young age, I knew to take the good and leave the rest. Wise beyond my years....

Just after my 16th birthday, he started calling and wanting to see me, manipulating my grandmother and forcing me into a visit. Instead of going though, I left. I left my home and family with a pack of smokes, the clothes on my back and $3. It was 10pm when I got brave. 10pm on a Wednesday in late May when I walked away from HELL and made the call to my next angel, Jessica.
I would go and live with Jessica, her 2 boys and husband where I would start a new life and recreate myself.

I was never able to finish high school. I had to leave that behind when I saved myself. When I was able to enroll in GED classes, Jessica, my sweet angel became ill with cancer. I helped her and her boys and school got left behind, my choice, I wasn't asked to leave school. When she died, it crushed me. I started working full time and met my now ex husband. I got pregnant and pregnant again and I left school behind. Always putting the needs of others ahead of my own. I started drinking more and more and thus began my decent into alcoholism for the 2nd time in my life, again, forgetting about school.

Going through my divorce, I was working as a CNA/PCT at a hospital in the psych dept. I thought I had it all.... until I didn't. So, today I find myself with no high school diploma/GED, a lapsed CNA, no career, and virtually homeless but sober.

I made a decision to start into motion my going back to school. Not just the pipe dream of a nursing degree but to begin where I had left off. To begin with my GED. To put myself and my girls first.

This life, it's not an easy one. I have been punched down to the ground and got back up and I have royally fucked up a great deal  having many repairs and mending to do but I refuse to let my daughters see only the dark side. I want them to know and see and WITNESS how you can literally be near dead in a gutter to completely change everything....even at 39.

I remain steadfast to live a positive and good life. I refuse to waste more time with bullshit. I did not survive this far for nothing. This life that I have been given and the chances I do not deserve, have purpose. WE all have a purpose.