One rejection at a time -

Went on another date. This one was a little different as I have "known" this person a while. 

This man is a smart, successful, good looking, very (emotionally) unavailable, very honest man.  I appreciate that. Did it sting like a fucker to be rejected whether his issues or not? Of course it does. But. I don't blame him as he is a terrific guy and he will find joy someday, he deserves that. I believe we will remain friends, as there is no reason not to. 

Each one of the men I have gone out with has a piece of what I want from a man - Smart, successful, funny, kind, sober, eat healthy, run, workout, loving to their children, thoughtful, stable, mentally well, each a piece,  but not the entire puzzle. Don't get me wrong, not all of the boxes have to be checked, I am pretty open but I cannot settle for a life full of death again.

I grow from these dates - I grow in what I know about myself and others. I learn from these dates - I learn what I do and do not want from a partner. I've realized I like myself and if someone doesn't like all of me, I am not their finished puzzle but simply a piece to the finished product. I am ok with that. I have made new friends. I have changed things I've seen that I don't like in myself and am slowly coming out of my shell. 

Does my heart ache to be loved? Yes. Am I desperate? No. Will I settle? Absolutely not. I am worth getting exactly what I want. We all are.

Does my hope fade from time to time..of course.  Do I get sad and cry on occasion? Yes.

 I am lonely. I want to be held and touched and talked to and heard and get a kind message or text...I am human. 

But I cannot settle. I have a great deal on the line this time around. 

 I am a terrific person full of love and understanding and compassion. I am funny and loving and smart and capable and anyone would be lucky to have me.

I believe someone is out there for me. My someone and I will meet up when the time is right and all the pieces are in place. Until that time, I will keep moving forward, I will keep dating and running and working on myself.
Above all else I will remain hopeful...walking through the rejections and fear and feeling the feelings.