Thursday, March 14, 2013

Beginnings

My life story is riddled with abuse and alcoholism, very few happy memories and a few near death experiences at the hands of my bio father.
I lied a lot as a kid. If you grew up like I did, you understand this, you understand why. To tell your friends that you smell because your parent WOULDN'T buy soap or your hair is a mess because you'd been beaten with the brush until it broke just wasn't a reality kids wanted to deal with. I faced it all head on and had the spirit of coming out alive and I did.
I had MANY angels guiding me along these roads. I miss them as those early on angels are all gone from my life in one way or another but I have been blessed with new ones to guide me. I believed in angels as I do today....I went to Catholic church/school as a girl and I would pray so damn hard that God would help me. (I was 7-8 at this time)Sister Alberta, who lived at the school with the other nuns in the rectory/nunnery would invite me to come up and she would tell me stories of her abusive father and how she found hope in the church. She lit candles for me and prayed for me and I loved her. I loved the church. those were my first angels.
In years to come, I would suffer a great deal. A GREAT DEAL. Always holding steadfast to my faith although I stopped attending church. After time and being shuffled around I landed at my bio father's. If I had thought life was rough before, I was abut to realize the reality of hell. I was 9 yrs old. I was NINE yrs old the first time I remember him hurting me. I was isolated and he preyed on me like a good sociopath/pedophile would. I was alone. ......I'm not going into the shame and horrific details of what happened, you can imagine.

Fast forward 6 yrs and I finally had my chance to run and I did. I was 15 and had managed to tell just enough but not too much so I could get away but he wouldn't kill me. He had guns and never hesitated using them to restrain me and I believed he would kill me. I KNEW he would kill me if I told it all.... but I got away. Living with my grandmother, his mother, was at the time my only option. She was always good to me and we had a close bond but she was old and tired and had no real way of knowing how to raise me.
I laugh when my daughter jokes about how she has to "parent herself" when she gets a cookie... it's cute and we all know it's not true. My reality was I was parenting myself and had to use all the lessons taught by my angels. Even at this young age, I knew to take the good and leave the rest. Wise beyond my years....

Just after my 16th birthday, he started calling and wanting to see me, manipulating my grandmother and forcing me into a visit. Instead of going though, I left. I left my home and family with a pack of smokes, the clothes on my back and $3. It was 10pm when I got brave. 10pm on a Wednesday in late May when I walked away from HELL and made the call to my next angel, Jessica.
I would go and live with Jessica, her 2 boys and husband where I would start a new life and recreate myself.

I was never able to finish high school. I had to leave that behind when I saved myself. When I was able to enroll in GED classes, Jessica, my sweet angel became ill with cancer. I helped her and her boys and school got left behind, my choice, I wasn't asked to leave school. When she died, it crushed me. I started working full time and met my now ex husband. I got pregnant and pregnant again and I left school behind. Always putting the needs of others ahead of my own. I started drinking more and more and thus began my decent into alcoholism for the 2nd time in my life, again, forgetting about school.

Going through my divorce, I was working as a CNA/PCT at a hospital in the psych dept. I thought I had it all.... until I didn't. So, today I find myself with no high school diploma/GED, a lapsed CNA, no career, and virtually homeless but sober.

I made a decision to start into motion my going back to school. Not just the pipe dream of a nursing degree but to begin where I had left off. To begin with my GED. To put myself and my girls first.

This life, it's not an easy one. I have been punched down to the ground and got back up and I have royally fucked up a great deal  having many repairs and mending to do but I refuse to let my daughters see only the dark side. I want them to know and see and WITNESS how you can literally be near dead in a gutter to completely change everything....even at 39.

I remain steadfast to live a positive and good life. I refuse to waste more time with bullshit. I did not survive this far for nothing. This life that I have been given and the chances I do not deserve, have purpose. WE all have a purpose.

 

22 comments:

  1. You are brave and strong, a beautiful role model for your children. You inspire people every day, and I love you. You can do this, and you have a huge
    cheering section to back you up.

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  2. I am so honored to be your friend...I love you and wish i could wipe all that hurt away. Truth is, you are who you are because of the way you raised yourself. To be a strong nurturing woman. And you're raising your girls the same. I'm so proud of you for putting YOU first. xoxo

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  3. You are amazing and your girls are lucky to have such a strong woman as an example. I couldn't be more proud of you if you were my own damn kid (let's not worry about the logistics of how someone younger than you could be your mom...just go with it)! You are going to kick so much ass! You got this, girl. You've got us...your weird, cyber family. We love you. So damn much. xoxo

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  4. Girl. I was crying by the second paragraph. YOU are an angel to me. An angel filled with hope and gratitude and love and generosity of spirit, who reminds me every day that those things are necessary to survival. Oh, and you have the ability to make me cry at 9 a.m. on a Wednesday. Fucktard.

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  5. Strength. Beauty. Dignity. You haz them. Proud of you, kid.

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  6. damn girl. you are strong beyond your recognition. but you are vulnerable too and that is the key to healing.

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  7. oooph. If anyone ever wondered why I lift you up and why I feel such honor in calling you my frand or why I love you so, they only have to read this. You are so strong. So fucking strong. Even when you don't feel that you are, you are. I don't think that I could love your guts any more than I do. Ya just laid them all out there for me to. <3.

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  8. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful woman that I feel privileged to call my friend. The similarities in our loves make me feel bonded to you...kindred spirits on this difficult journey of life. I love you, stay strong and, you are never alobe!

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  9. you are an absolutely beautiful person - in all ways possible. such an inspiration...I feel blessed to know you. Loves you, lady:) xo

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  10. You are amazing and courageous. I am so proud of you and I love you.
    xoxox

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  11. thank you so much for sharing your story. your strength through adversity is inspiring, to say the least.

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  12. Everything you have been through makes you strong - and your children will benefit from it. Your girls know you love them. It's time to do something for you - and when you do, they will benefit from it as well. You are a strong beautiful woman who deserves love and everything this world has to offer. I am so sorry for all you have been through - the whole world is ahead of you. Stay strong and it is going to be yours.

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  13. Damn it. I love you so freaking much it hurts. You are amazing, and beautiful, and you have the most amazing heart. I am SO proud to call you my friend and so thankful to God every day that he brought us together. You got this, and you have a support system here for you that will help you along the way. You know, if you need it. xoxoxo

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  14. I love you so much. You're amazing and an insipiration. I'm honored to call you my friend. You're a great mother and your girls are lucky to have you. You do have Great Purpose, none of this is devoid of meaning. xsnos.

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  15. I am fortunate enough to know you in real life and I can attest that your spirit is like nothing I have ever seen before. You have been through so much hell - and yet you are one of the kindest, most loving, truly amazing people I have the privelege of knowing and being friends with. I know you are still surrounded by angels of all different kinds..and may they carry you on the tough days and keep you focused on your goals..love you!

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  16. Just wow. I loved reading your post. You are strong, brave, and honest. I'm so sorry you suffered so much but I truly admire you and have a deep respect for you as a woman. I believe in you. Go and do this. Fulfill your dreams. If I can help you in any way please let me know. I don't have much, but I do have the desire to try. You inspire me to get off my ass and stay focused on building up my own business and working on my own health and fitness. Love you!

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  17. "I love you more, because I know you better."

    I knew you were a strong woman. Now I know why. You're a survivor babe. A survivor that refuses to stay down. Not only did you get up, you started kicking ass and taking names too. I'm so proud to call you my friend. <3

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  18. Another friend of Bills here:) Awesome and inspirational post.

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  19. Sam,
    You're great & I appreciate your honesty. I'm trying to start school again as well. Last step is waiting for it to get reviewed & approved through the VA using my G.I.Bill. Keep on keepin' on, Girl! <3

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  20. Wow I have just read thru all ur posts in one sitting. I was engrossed, mostly because I love ur honesty and brazen-ness(sp?). I had contemplated my own blog actually I made the account and the title lol but couldn't bring myself to put it all out there in cyberspace. But u make me feel brave and the hopes that maybe writing up my shitstorm of experiences may be therapeutic. Thanks <3

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  21. I have nominated you for the Liebster award because you have an awesome blog! Check it out http://mommysrambles.blogspot.com/2013/03/woohoo-award.html

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