Wednesday, February 15, 2012

faking it....

No, I'm not talking about an orgasm. I'm talking about my life.

You see, I'm newly sober, newly unemployed, very broke ass, 1/4 tank of gas, blah, blah, blah....I'm tired of hearing me say it. It feels like I'm just making excuses. I know I'm not, I know that when I cannot sleep, I am filling out apps at 4am. I am cleaning and doing laundry, faking my every anxiety ridden, prozac missing, movement through each day.

Okay, so, I live with my ex-husband. The deal when I moved in with the kids was I'd pay rent and cable and buy groceries. I'm NOT blaming him for my financial state. Although that would be easy. I am taking responsibility for my actions here. I fucked up MY shit. So, moving on. I cannot help but get pissed off when me and the kids are getting a box of food from a stranger and he is happily purchasing a new pool table and pool lamp. With MY rent money. I know...I get it. I agreed to the terms.

The looks I get when he sees me "just" sitting at 9am. He just woke up. I've been awake and had an entire day by that time. He shakes his head at me in disappointment, about my bills. About my lack of job. It's SO frustrating. I can feel the disgust he feels with me.

You see, I never learned how to do my finances. I know that sounds weak and excuse-y, but it's true. I am so ashamed by this I cannot ask for help. I do not know who to go to for help and it seems pointless knowing I'm near financial ruin. What's the point anymore?

You guys, I just feel broken. Broken and scared.

So, I keep faking a smile while I sob.....and just pray.

I am grateful. Or faking it when I need to.

4 comments:

  1. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I LOVE YOU.

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  2. There are agencies that can help you - I know you - you are probably too proud. But there is nothing wrong with getting some help w/ food, and extras like that. That's what our tax dollars go to - you have worked, you've paid taxes - get some of it back now that you need it. I know you are scared, I have been a single mom too...and someone, who to this day is my hero, took a chance on me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. It's time for a rally - I wish I lived closer I would grab Katy and come over and give you a pep talk. You've got this. I swear.

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  3. You will get through this bump in the road and be fine. I think I have Susie ormans book saved so will look and try to email it to you

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  4. I know this is an old post, but I just found your blog today. I am sitting here in shock because every single word you wrote is my life exactly, no joke, EXACTLY! Jobless since January due to illness, living with my ex for the past 2 years, same agreement, although we are trying to have a relationship ( not working ), struggling through each day and would love to fling myself out of window...I am happy things are getting better for you, stay strong and please know that you are not alone. You inspired me today,and I thank you so much for that..

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