No, I'm not talking about an orgasm. I'm talking about my life.
You see, I'm newly sober, newly unemployed, very broke ass, 1/4 tank of gas, blah, blah, blah....I'm tired of hearing me say it. It feels like I'm just making excuses. I know I'm not, I know that when I cannot sleep, I am filling out apps at 4am. I am cleaning and doing laundry, faking my every anxiety ridden, prozac missing, movement through each day.
Okay, so, I live with my ex-husband. The deal when I moved in with the kids was I'd pay rent and cable and buy groceries. I'm NOT blaming him for my financial state. Although that would be easy. I am taking responsibility for my actions here. I fucked up MY shit. So, moving on. I cannot help but get pissed off when me and the kids are getting a box of food from a stranger and he is happily purchasing a new pool table and pool lamp. With MY rent money. I know...I get it. I agreed to the terms.
The looks I get when he sees me "just" sitting at 9am. He just woke up. I've been awake and had an entire day by that time. He shakes his head at me in disappointment, about my bills. About my lack of job. It's SO frustrating. I can feel the disgust he feels with me.
You see, I never learned how to do my finances. I know that sounds weak and excuse-y, but it's true. I am so ashamed by this I cannot ask for help. I do not know who to go to for help and it seems pointless knowing I'm near financial ruin. What's the point anymore?
You guys, I just feel broken. Broken and scared.
So, I keep faking a smile while I sob.....and just pray.
I am grateful. Or faking it when I need to.