Wednesday, February 8, 2012

That moment you are crying, sneeze and pee yourself....

Yes, ladies, you know what I speak of here. If you've had kids, sometimes, no matter how many kegels you can do, the region has been blown.

 I myself was once 120lb, tiny framed woman. I married a 6'6" monstrosity and consequently gave birth to one 8lb 11oz 21 inch baby and then, 21 months later, I had a 10lb, 2 oz, 24 inch baby.

  I should've taken my Irish grandmother's advice and smoke and drank while pregnant....she swore it would help;) But that's neither here nor there....I didn't smoke or drink and I'm pretty sure I just would've had fucked up giant babies instead of just giant babies. (if you cannot see the humor in that, please unlike me now)
Yes, they were vaginal...NOW you are getting it.

My poor sister recently had her first baby, I'm not going into details of her situation but let's suffice it to say that she has sworn off all sex and reproduction. I know my sister. She means it.

The woman who just had a 14 pounder, vaginally, no drugs...Nothing is ever going to be the same there. EVER.

When I run, sneeze, cough, bounce, walk, laugh, cry, get up too fast, fall, etc...I leak. It's not attractive, it's humiliating sometimes. I'm 37. THIRTY SEVEN...I'd like to NOT have to wear a pad every damn day for fear I'll piss myself. I'd like to NOT have to stop, cross legs, and stand still for 5 minutes in the "sneeze stance" for fear I'll overflow out of the pad....
When I've  got my period....well, can you imagine the fucking nightmare that I face?

Yet, we as mother's face this every day, grateful for the little bastards. When my daughter's laugh because I pee myself, or my hair is fucked up, or my underwear has holes, or because I have target bras instead of Victoria's secret....I think to myself  'kid, give it a few years...when your vag is swelled up and nipples are cracked and bloody, when you are unsure of the last day you showered or got a haircut, when you can literally not recall buying a razor or NOT wearing pj bottoms as real pants....I'll be in Hawaii, on the beach, in a swimsuit, fresh, clean, shaven, and getting laid in my Victoria's secret lingerie'

BIG HUG kiddies!

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