Monday, January 30, 2012

This is how I feel most days. 

I run an awesome race and seconds before I can take a deep breath, I trip and slam my face into a hard surface. Face, brain...all the same.

I like to think I am God's personal joke. He's up there in the big wherever pointing at me, talking to Bill  and Jessica, saying something like "hey, watch this...wait for it....wait. for. it. HAHAHA!! Got her again!" 

I mention those names, people you wouldn't know, because they were significant members of a very dear group I am a part of, or was a part of. You see, I got sober at the age of 15. Most of you do not know this about me. I got sober, escaped an incredibly abusive father, barely with my life intact, ran away to my grandmother's (who, truthfully didn't really want me. Loved me, but she had enough in her own fucked up life aside from caring for me) Back in the city, I enrolled in school, went to meetings, hung out with my friend Jenny, my BF Wayne and tried to go on as normal....but nothing about my life in those 15 years had been normal. Nothing at all.
Fast forwarding a 16.5 yrs old, I left my grandmother's, moved back to the burbs and in with a lady from AA. Jessica. She loved me. She brought me into her family, no money, no clothes, no job, uneducated. She loved me. She helped me find an amazing sponsor, hooked me up with amazing women in AA who gathered around and protected me like a grizzly protects their cub.

The following December, my baby sister was hit by a truck on Friday the 13th and Monday, the 16th Jessica was diagnosed with stage 4 nonhodgkins lymphoma.

My sister lived, sans her short term memory...sometimes her long term as well. Jessica died 19 months later.

From that moment forward, I think my loss factor had just quadrupled. I stayed sober for some time. I finally drank on my 21st birthday, 17 days before my 6 yr anniversary of sobriety. 
I never looked back. 
I have drank nearly every day since with the exception of my time in rehab about 7 years ago and the last 30 days. If I make it, I'll have been sober 30 solid days on Feb. 8th.
I'm not going to go into all the amazing ways I have fucked up to get to these 30 days...some of you know, some know half truths, some full truths, maybe one of you, Kelly, knows it all.

I have wanted to thank a couple of people for my being here today. For, without you, your love and understanding, charming ways, wit and unknowingly supporting me have altered my life. I cannot include my kids in this list, although they have suffered the most, and supported me the most on this's just too painful and needs to be another time, in another story.
Kelly, my biggest supporter, friend, angel and kindred spirit. Your non-judgemental, unconditional ways are how I hope to be when I grow up.
Sue W. you have loved me, seen me through, and despite my difficulties, you haven't walked away. 
David A. this morning you said, I was worth your time....I needed that and I believed you.
Bonnie K. I just know I can say anything...and you'll get it.
Lois...see above, this applies to you as well.
Heather. 20 years....thank you.
Katy....It's because reading your blog, wanting what you have so badly, and knowing I could get it if I just followed your ways, in a non stalker way, that's how you unknowingly saved me.

So, folks....I am raw, terrified, and cannot find meetings I like. I keep going but have yet to feel that click, that connection...if your a member, you know what I'm talking about.

thanks for taking your time and getting to know the "real" me.....

PS...Bill C is my old sponsor's husband.  Bill also passed away. He is mentioned because losing him changed the course of many ppl's lives....thats also for another day.


  1. Big, giant squeezy hugs to you, Sam. It took a lot of guts to write that and put it out there. You're a strong woman, stronger than you realize maybe. I love you!!

  2. Hugs, Sam. Stay strong, always. :)